I liked having the house to myself, and was not looking forward to his
return. Mostly because the last time he was away he was really odd when he came
back. This time though he was wonderful, although he did not kiss me on his
return, and we were a little abrasive during the evening, (he got back at
8.30pm) he was affectionate, stroking, touching and cuddling when we went to
bed, which is extremely unusual for him.

I intend to make the most of it, as this is all I’ve ever wanted, physical
affection and attention. He kissed me when I got back in from work yesterday. I
can’t begin to say how pleasant it is, but at the same time, after 20 years I’m
unable to completely trust it, and walking on eggshells, waiting for the rug to
be pulled from underneath me.

In my previous post I said how I’d enjoyed not making the bed, but he was
coming back and I started to feel anxious about what hadn’t been done, so on the
Friday I cleaned all the bathrooms, our bedroom, vacuumed upstairs and down, and
sorted out the laundry cupboard (something I’d been wanting to do for a while).
I was going to leave the tablecloth, but knew if I missed something it would be
the one thing he’d comment on, so I changed it, and the house looked and smelled
good when he got back. After general greetings and ” how was your journey” etc,
he had gone to put something in the bin, “does no one else know how to empty
this bin then?” He was away for 5 days, he knew damned well the bin must have
been emptied while he was away, but because it was almost full he had to comment
on it, not how nice the house was looking, how he liked those sheets on the bed
or any other positive thing.

This morning, when I came down, he said, “you must be really glad I’m back”.

This because

• he comes downstairs first – if I go into the bathroom first he knocks
  on the door, asks me to hurry up, tells me he’s going to be late, etc. So I wait
  and let him get up first so there isn’t aggro in the mornings
• he makes my coffee – he makes lunch for himself and our daughter, our
  kitchen is small and if I need anything I get in his way and he makes sure I
  know it
• he makes lunch for him and my daughter – I used to make the lunches
  and I liked to do it, when I made theirs I also made mine which meant I was much
  better organsised at lunchtime, but he wouldn’t let me get on with it, he’d hang
  around, suggesting I cut the tomatoes a different way or placed them in the box
  differently.

A perfect example of how in a relationship with a passive aggressive you are
always in a no-win situation. If I get up first I hog the bathroom, if I get up
last I’m lazy. When I make him lunch it’s not right, when I don’t it’s because I
don’t care about him.

There was more obvious passive aggression last night. I have a very hard day
on a Monday and I’m always tired Monday evening. When we were planning the meals
I said I’d make something easy for Monday night, but he had wanted to have
turkey and orange salad, it’s something he makes and it’s very good, I was
pleased as it meant I wouldn’t have to cook at all on the Monday evening. When I
got in, I made a cup of tea and went to catch up with some TV, a few minutes
later he came in and set up the ironing board. I used to do all the ironing, I
never minded it really and would do it in front of the TV. I can’t even remember
how he took it on, (since he has started doing it, he says the shirts are ironed
much better than when I did them). What a racket he made, I’ve noticed this is
how he expresses anger, I hate jangly, clattering noises and if he’s angry there
are lots of those.

I’m supposed to know (ESP) what he’s angry about, I have to guess it’s
because

• he thought I should have done his ironing when he was away.
• he thought I should have done his ironing last night.
• he thought he shouldn’t have to iron his clothes and make the dinner.

He was OK ish when we went to bed. If I thought it would make him happy, I’d
iron, make dinner, empty the bins and anything else, but I’ve been there/done
that and there’s always something that I haven’t done….

I must have heard the term before. I’ve read masses of self help articles, it’s difficult to believe I got to 42 without knowing what passive aggression is, but for some reason a light bulb lit in my head and I started to research Passive Aggressive, OMG a lot of people have written a lot of stuff about it. A lot of it is very gloomy, these articles tell me there is no hope for my relationship the very nature of passive aggressive means that those who are PA can never admit to it, and find it difficult to get any help to overcome it.

Most of the articles focus on how we can change ourselves, how we must start taking care of number 1, and put our needs first. Over the years I have often wondered to myself why my partners needs were more important than mine, of course they never were, but I allowed them to take over, I allowed his needs to be taken care of and mine to be hidden away. Now that I aware of this I am going to try to stop it. This proves difficult, after 20 years of being manipulated by someone who is passive aggressive, I don’t even know my own thoughts any more, and now have to make myself think, do I want this, or, do I want it for him.

Saturday morning was the first confrontation we’ve had. I always back down, not wanting to provoke his sullenness but not this time. I got up after he did and when I came down he’d cooked himself some breakfast. This would normally go without comment, but not any longer.

Me ” I would have liked you to have asked me if I would like breakfast”
Him “you hardly ever have anything.”
Me “I know, but for the last few weekends I have made us both a cooked breakfast, when you were up first and making something, I think you should have asked what I’d like”.
Him ” oh this is great, do you just try to make things as difficult as possible, that’s the weekend ruined now.”
Me, “do not pass this back to me, the weekend does not have to be ruined. I think you should have asked me if I would like breakfast, if you are going to give me the silent treatment because I called you out on something you should have done, then it is you who is ruining the weekend.”
Him ” I’m not going to give you the silent treatment.”

We had an OK weekend, there were a couple of times I thought he wanted to say something but he didn’t. I’m not sure if that’s a success in dealing with passive aggression, but it felt like it to me. Normally if I have something on my mind, my stomach is churning for hours and only when it is something of huge importance will I risk upsetting the apple cart by bringing it up with him. There weren’t any fireworks, and if there had been I would have left him to it.

The great thing for me is knowing that it isn’t about me. It isn’t that I am too fat, not sexy enough, don’t wear enough make up or have the wrong colour hair, it’s all about him and his own insecurities.

What is it about my man that he can wank to the filthiest porn, but to have sex with me missionary position is about the limit. He used to enjoy dirtier sex, but now says he just likes to come, he’s not really bothered how he gets there, just as quickly as possible.

I rarely instigate sex anymore as I almost always get knocked back, but last night, I thought he might be up for some, and although he was soft, I went down on him. I love to suck him when he’s still soft and feel his erection hardening in my mouth, He came fairly quickly and then straight to sleep. I sometimes get pissed off that he does not reciprocate, but last night was OK, I enjoyed doing it, and even more that I had instigated it and that it was not our ‘usual’ time. (mornings).

I really fancy a drink, I rarely have anything because as my inhibitions loosen I become a sexual predator and feel like ripping his clothes off to get started. He hates that I become so desperate, hence I rarely drink. There not much in to have either, there are some spirits, but no mixers, and a bottle of champagne, which I may well chill and open…

What I do wonder then, is there something wrong with our relationship. Has it always been the wrong relationship. I remember it and him being more passionate, but truthfully I have to remember that even in our early days of lust he was always more reserved  than me.

Because my mum was divorced, I grew up seeing the benefits of single life. There are no compromises to make, you watch what you want on the TV, eat what you want and sleep when you want. In these enlightened times of casual internet sex, I expect it would be easy to get laid when you want too. I used to dream of this hedonistic existenence, with no one to answer to, and just a good time to be had. When we did live apart it was nice to watch what I wanted, it was even better to eat what and when I wanted, but it was lonely. Bone chillingly lonely. No-one to comment on the day or the news with and  missed him dreadfully.

I have to remind myself of this frequently when I see a nice single place up for rent, and I dream of my idylic single girl life style.

We’ve had sex. It was the middle of the night, but penetrative sex it certainly was, and, he wasn’t his usual selfish lover either. There was no kissing, or love talk, but for us it was successful and very pleasant sex.

I had to be away overnight for a trip. and when I got back yesterday hoped he’d be horny and up for some, but there was none of it. Any sex we have is usually weekend mornings, but he got up before me this morning. We went out for a lovely walk this afternoon and held hands walking along the beach and reminisced about past holidays. After that we were picking some blackberries in a secluded spot, and I idly wondered how he would react if I was to take off my top and  squash some berries on my breasts, but the thought of the revulsion on his face kept me in check.

I know that if I change he has to change as well. And for a while I thought it was going to work. We have been living back together now for about a year. To start off it was very rocky, there was no trust, but gradually it got better and then it was great. I remember commenting to a friend that if someone told me my relationship could be so good a few months before I would not have believed them. I know it was good because we were having sex. It was still only in bed, and only in the mornings, but it was a lot of mornings. Having sex makes everyone feel better, I read sex is like a barometer for the relationship. I think I also read that it has a cyclical effect, so if things aren’t going too well, but you force yourself into having sex, those feel good emotions get activated  and things improve out of the bedroom as well.

Then it got bad, and it happened quickly. He went away on holiday. I was pleased he did, it was somewhere he wanted to go and I didn’t. He had a great time, and I enjoyed being home. When he got back he was awful; distant, moody and surly. Thinking back now I wonder if maybe he met someone there, a one night stand or something and felt guilty when he returned.

We have had (sort of) sex recently. As he never comes anywhere near me outside of bed (and only in bed when he’s horny), I find it difficult to get in the mood in the time we have. Given my analogy above though that having sex improves everything, I try to put mind over matter and get into the swing of things. A couple of weeks ago he turns to me in the morning, below is a diagram of the foreplay.

The red indicates his hand movements. That was it, there was nothing else…no talking…no kissing, just his hand on some of my erogenous zones. I couldn’t get turned on enough to enjoy penetration. If it did improve anything outside of bed, I wasn’t aware of it.

We don’t often argue, we rarely have cross words, but through this week there was an altercation. He really blew up at me, which is very unusual for him, and I usually let this sort of thing go, and just calm the waters, but he shouted at me, and called me useless etc, and I got really pissed off. so we didn’t speak for a couple of days. he tried to talk to me the next morning, but for once I stuck to my guns and was having none of it. I was waiting for an apology. I don’t know how long we would not have conversed before I got an apology, long enough for us both to have forgotten what the argument was about I suspect. I hate the discomfort and atmosphere so gave in, and we are back to ‘normal’. This morning he was still asleep when i got in the shower ( I fond I want to get out of bed early these days). He was awake when I went back into the bedroom, “how about a fondle before you get dressed” he says. I reply “tempting, I’m having to hold myself back from that delicious offer”, and left him to his right hand….